The strangeness continues

As I said below, everything shifted dramatically in my late 40s. I got more frustrated and restless about continuing on a path that was never rewarding to me in the first place. You know, the one where you go to school, get a career, get married, and live hunky-dorily ever after. I enjoyed work when I could stay engaged, but that was less and less as I got older. Barely able to sit still even at a temporary administrative job, I wondered what was wrong with me. Something indefinable had been calling me for many years, and was now screaming louder by drawing my energy and attention away with new insights and unusual experiences. At some point, trying to decipher my inner life became more important than whatever I was trying to maintain in the outer one. Though I had no idea where I was being led, I could no longer focus on the usual external demands.

One day at work, frustrated tears came to my eyes and I dashed to the (thankfully empty) lunchroom down the hall. A feeling welled up inside me with a physical intensity I didn't understand. Was this a new type of depression? It was a gray, dark winter, after all, and it had been for some time. Leaning against the bulletin board with tears streaming down my face, I suddenly felt the slightest glimmer of another presence. It seemed to be coming from within me. What is this? I thought, stopping in mid-sob. Who is this?

At first there was no answer, just the faintest sense that some kind of energy, with its own sentience, was trying to get my attention. Then, though it seemed beyond the rational, I discerned this new entity's voice along with its powerful inner presence. It's me. I listened for more, but that was all I heard. It's me.

"Oh," I stammered out loud, awed and perplexed. "Nice to meet you."

I collected myself and left the room feeling that something important had happened.

Not long afterward, I gave notice at work. Then, further unsettling my husband, I proposed that we move from our house so I could manage an apartment building. There, with part time responsibilities and no housing costs, I would have enough free energy to listen to what life was trying to tell me.